Top 5 Crappy Horror Movies
So some friends I get together once in a while to treat ourselves to a wonderful night of cinematic adventure. On these nights, we lay our eyes on true masterpieces of a lost art that we traditionally call shitty horror movies.
I’ve touched on this in a past post, but a quick summary will teach you that a truly perfect shitty horror movie must include the following:
- A genuine attempt by the producers to make a good movie (and coinciding failure to do so)
- A genetically modified or mutated animal on a killing rampage
- Sub-par computer graphics
- Absolutely horrible acting (but again, a genuine attempt at the opposite)
Without further ado I present to you my top 5 shitty horror movies. This is a list I have compiled completely from memory based on the 30+ shitty horror movies I have had the pleasure of viewing.
This, to my knowledge, was the original shitty horror movie. I was hanging out with my friends Trev and Josh after our band had just practiced, and someone came up with idea to rent a movie and drink beer.
Once we got to the video store we came across this puppy accidentally and just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. This was before the true inception of ‘Shitty Movie Night’ and was a complete fluke. We popped it in and were laughing before the opening credits had even finished. I remember seeing the opening credits pop up with ‘Sabretooth Productions Presents…..’ and we all just started laughing our asses off.
This movie has it all. Sabre-vision: check. Genetically engineered animal: check. Horrible acting: check. Brutal visuals: big time check.
Favorite part: Random guy is standing with his back against a door, and two OBVIOUSLY fake hairy sabretooth arms break through the door and grab the guy pulling him through. This was clearly a random crew person with fake hairy arm gloves of some sort. Pure gold.
You know how this movie is so good? It’s the only shitty horror movie I have actually seen twice. So suck on that.
Click ‘Read More’ to see the rest…
I have seen this movie packaged differently and titled Mosquito Man, but that just doesn’t have the same affect for me. This movie is classic and the title is half the gold.
You can assume what it’s about. Obviously some genetic engineering gone wrong, and a criminal killer becomes poisoned by some type of mosquito injection, causing him to slowly morph into a half mosquito half man.
Favorite part: When the crazed mosquito man is on a rampage and the man hunting him yells out “Hey! Mansquito!”, and then the mosquito man turns and looks at him as if to say “Yeah?”
Everyone knows Jason from the many Friday the 13th movies. Some of them are hilarious, one or two are actually decent, and some are just plain bad. Jason X hit the nail on the head as far as what I am looking for in a shitty horror movie.
This movie takes place in space, in the future, on a spaceship. Basically enough said right there.
Favorite part: Two half-naked girls (who are there ‘virtually’ to trick Jason) are camping and having a pillow fight. So what does Jason do? Shoves each of them into their sleeping bag and zips them up, picks up one sleeping bag and beats one sleeping bag repeatedly with the other. Then swings the sleeping bag like a baseball into a tree. (Click this link to watch video).
Honorable mention: Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. He punches the head cleanly off a dude who is a boxer.
I didn’t have the highest hopes for this one but was quite impressed. Obviously a genetically modified creature which is half octopus, half shark. A military operation gone wrong, if you will.
Starts quickly with a nice sharktopus kill in the first 2 minutes and never slows down from there. Fairly horrible computer graphics, extremely horrible acting. Can’t really go wrong.
Favorite part: Radio DJ standing on the edge of the boat saying ‘There is just no such thing as a half Shark Octopus thingy. It’s not possible!’ and without finishing his sentence he gets grabbed and killed by Sharktopus.
Okay, so there is no genetically modified animal, no vision, and really no computer graphics to ridicule. Sounds like a pretty lame shitty horror movie, but somehow this movie made my list. I think it’s just the absolutely terrible acting and pure gold one-liners. A must-see for sure.
Favorite part: A bunch of late 20′s (or mid-30′s) people get into a truck and the oldest looking guy yells out “I can’t believe we just graduated high school!”.